The Ten Habits of Happy Mothers-Habit #1 Understand your Value as a Mother

I have heard that society doesn't value mothers.

I have heard that women don't value motherhood.

I have heard that people look down on stay at home moms.

Yet, I don't know where the accusers are. All my mothering life has been surrounded by women who either stayed at home, longed to stay home, or who had stayed home. Maybe I have lived under a rock. I don't know.

All I can say is that my battles have all been fought with myself and within myself. It is not other people who have laid obstacles in my path. It is I, who has had trouble with being just a mom. Just a mom wasn't part of my experience growing up. My mother is an excellent mother and she always had a career. Always busy, she owned her own pharmacy and taught Chemistry at the university.

I don't remember feeling neglected.

I don't remember feeling she was absent.

I don't remember seeing her torn between two worlds.

I don't remember angst on her part.

I think I knew she was a mother with a career.

And I knew that we came first.

What is different for me? For one thing, she wasn't expected to do it all. She didn't do it all. She had maids to do the cooking, the cleaning, the laundry, the gardening, and, the minding of children. When she was home, she was home. She managed to be present even when she was absent. She was always reachable. She was always mom.

I have never talked to her about this. I don't know why she worked. I know that making ends meet in the Dominican Republic is difficult with only one salary. But it never occurred to me to ask her if she worked because she needed it, because it fulfilled her, because it was what was expected of her. I don't even now if she posed those questions to herself. I don't even know if she valued herself as a mother. I don't know if it is a question that she would've asked. Someday soon I am going to ask her.

It never crossed my mind that I will stay at home. Enter the United States and the daycare world and, I had to ask myself some hard questions, the main of which was, Did I want my children to be raised by others? The answer was NO. I wasn't pressured into this decision. It was made in freedom. My husband, who wanted me to stay home- I know- would have accepted my decision, had I wanted to work. So, I can't say that my doubts have come from a forced decision.

And yet, there have been doubts. Nobody has looked scornfully at me and, asked "Don't you know that these days women do not stay home?" "Have you heard? we are in the 21st century." It is I who have asked those questions. It is I, who have wondered, "Would I make it in the real world?" "Do I have anything to offer?" "Am I good at anything?". It is I, who have watched successful women and wondered, "what does it feel like to be be good at something and know it, and know that the world knows that I am good?"

In her book 10 Habits of Happy Mothers, Dr Meg Meeker reminds me of my value as a mother.

"If we could wrap our mind around our true value as a woman and a mother, our life will never be the same."

Our value doesn't come measured in salaries or talents or gifts. Our value comes from something simpler: we are needed and loved. We can do for our children what nobody can. I can love, nurture, comfort, feed, guide, train, my children like nobody can. I matter to them. I matter because I am me, their mother. There is a unique bond between us just by the simple fact that I am their mother. All I do extra, builds and strengthen that bond. I don't have to woo my children to love me. I don't have to perform to earn their love.

It is so simple and I make it so complicated.

I don't struggle with my decision anymore. I don't question it. I wouldn't have it any other way. I still wonder, though, if I have anything to offer to the world at large. Is there a place for me beyond the boundaries of my family? Is there something I can contribute? Dr Meeker reminds me that,

"In addition to fulfilling our purpose as good moms, we were born to do more, in time"

What I have to regain is not my self. I think that throughout my career as a mother I have kept a healthy sense of self. I don't feel guilty having a life separate from my kids. Never have. What I have to regain is my trust in the Lord. Trust that, in time, I will discover what lies ahead. I will discover what He wants me to do next. Trust that life is not over at 50. Trust and put to the wondering to rest. Concentrate in living my life now.

I think it is about attitude. Dr Meeker says, "love the life you are supposed to be living and you happen on fulfilling the deep meaning of your life. It works. The energy comes, you get bolder, and you live less fearfully."

The deep meaning of my life is not a hidden treasure in the future, it is the here and now.

Summer Reading Notes

What I have been reading of late:

• Vile Bodies by Evelyn Waugh: Laugh aloud funny satire of British society of the 1920s. I had only read Brideshead Revisited by Waugh. A very different book. I was glad to be introduced to this side of Waugh. It made me want to read more by him.
• Memento Mori by Muriel Spark : I think I saw this book mentioned on Melissa Wiley's blog . Muriel Spark was a convert to Catholicism. I had seen her pop up several times in other blogs about Catholic writers. I wanted to read something by her. After finishing Memento Mori, I realized I had read another book by her,The Prime of Miss Jean Brodie, which I didn't like at all. Mercifully, I didn't remember, because maybe it would've kept me from reading MM. In one of those serendipitous reading acts, MM was a great follow up to Vile Bodies. Both were British, both were satirical, both were funny, both had a depth behind the comical.
• Mere Christianity by C. S. Lewis: I have to confess I am not a big fan of Lewis. I know that is probably heretical to most but, it is the truth. Thankfully, Mere Christianity is different. I have been meeting weekly with some ladies to discuss this book. There is so much to talk about! I am not finished with this yet and I wish I had started blogging about it. It would make it stick better.
• Crooked Adam by D.E. Stevenson: Satisfying, is the word for this read. A good old fashioned spy story, Crooked Adam (if I remember correctly) was published during WWII. It is fast paced and keeps your interested. A great summer reading! (Recommended by A Library is a Hospital for the Mind ).
• Mansfield Park by Jane Austen: I listened to this from Librivox. Books on this site are read by volunteers, not professionals, so the quality of the reader varies. That was certainly true of the reader of MP, some where very good and some, not so much. But, hey! it is free. I am not complaining. I enjoyed MP immensely. It was a great companion while cooking, cleaning or folding clothes. (note: the 1999 is awful. Nothing like the book!)
• Before Pentecost, I picked up John Paul II encyclical on the Holy Spirit (Dominum et Vivificantem). It is a challenging reading but so worthwhile. I am three quarters into it and planning on re-reading so I can write about. It would be a great way of digesting the information.
• No Country for Old Men by Cormac McCarthy: Violent, violent! It was like watching a Clint Eastwood movie. The first 100 pages I wasn't sure I was going to finish it but, it kept me going. This is one of those books that you need to have somebody to talk about it with. So, I gave it to M. to read.
• Simply from Scratch by Alicia Bessette: Just OK. Nothing great. It is her first novel and somehow it felt too formulaic, to cliché, kind of like a chick flick between too covers.It wasn't bad but it is forgettable.
• Son of Charlemagne by Barbara Willard (with the kids): we are not completely finished with this one. Good story and it has created some rabbit trails. It had us searching all over the net about Charlemagne and his family. It also led us into a search for information on the Saxons and this, in turn, took us to the Vikings.
• Yesterday, I began Vanishing Act by Jodi Picault. Not much to report on this one yet. But it promises to be intense as any other Jodi Picault book I have read before.
• After Mansfield Park, I decided to give the Itunes U a try. I have been listening to some lectures on European Civilization from the 17oos to 1945. It is an interesting course. The lecturer, John Merriman, manages to pull some interesting lectures, even though he has this annoying stammering habit, and he curses and, he has a somewhat dislike of the Catholic Church. Even with all those strikes against him, I am still enjoying the class.