The Ten Habits of Happy Mothers-Habit #1 Understand your Value as a Mother

I have heard that society doesn't value mothers.

I have heard that women don't value motherhood.

I have heard that people look down on stay at home moms.

Yet, I don't know where the accusers are. All my mothering life has been surrounded by women who either stayed at home, longed to stay home, or who had stayed home. Maybe I have lived under a rock. I don't know.

All I can say is that my battles have all been fought with myself and within myself. It is not other people who have laid obstacles in my path. It is I, who has had trouble with being just a mom. Just a mom wasn't part of my experience growing up. My mother is an excellent mother and she always had a career. Always busy, she owned her own pharmacy and taught Chemistry at the university.

I don't remember feeling neglected.

I don't remember feeling she was absent.

I don't remember seeing her torn between two worlds.

I don't remember angst on her part.

I think I knew she was a mother with a career.

And I knew that we came first.

What is different for me? For one thing, she wasn't expected to do it all. She didn't do it all. She had maids to do the cooking, the cleaning, the laundry, the gardening, and, the minding of children. When she was home, she was home. She managed to be present even when she was absent. She was always reachable. She was always mom.

I have never talked to her about this. I don't know why she worked. I know that making ends meet in the Dominican Republic is difficult with only one salary. But it never occurred to me to ask her if she worked because she needed it, because it fulfilled her, because it was what was expected of her. I don't even now if she posed those questions to herself. I don't even know if she valued herself as a mother. I don't know if it is a question that she would've asked. Someday soon I am going to ask her.

It never crossed my mind that I will stay at home. Enter the United States and the daycare world and, I had to ask myself some hard questions, the main of which was, Did I want my children to be raised by others? The answer was NO. I wasn't pressured into this decision. It was made in freedom. My husband, who wanted me to stay home- I know- would have accepted my decision, had I wanted to work. So, I can't say that my doubts have come from a forced decision.

And yet, there have been doubts. Nobody has looked scornfully at me and, asked "Don't you know that these days women do not stay home?" "Have you heard? we are in the 21st century." It is I who have asked those questions. It is I, who have wondered, "Would I make it in the real world?" "Do I have anything to offer?" "Am I good at anything?". It is I, who have watched successful women and wondered, "what does it feel like to be be good at something and know it, and know that the world knows that I am good?"

In her book 10 Habits of Happy Mothers, Dr Meg Meeker reminds me of my value as a mother.

"If we could wrap our mind around our true value as a woman and a mother, our life will never be the same."

Our value doesn't come measured in salaries or talents or gifts. Our value comes from something simpler: we are needed and loved. We can do for our children what nobody can. I can love, nurture, comfort, feed, guide, train, my children like nobody can. I matter to them. I matter because I am me, their mother. There is a unique bond between us just by the simple fact that I am their mother. All I do extra, builds and strengthen that bond. I don't have to woo my children to love me. I don't have to perform to earn their love.

It is so simple and I make it so complicated.

I don't struggle with my decision anymore. I don't question it. I wouldn't have it any other way. I still wonder, though, if I have anything to offer to the world at large. Is there a place for me beyond the boundaries of my family? Is there something I can contribute? Dr Meeker reminds me that,

"In addition to fulfilling our purpose as good moms, we were born to do more, in time"

What I have to regain is not my self. I think that throughout my career as a mother I have kept a healthy sense of self. I don't feel guilty having a life separate from my kids. Never have. What I have to regain is my trust in the Lord. Trust that, in time, I will discover what lies ahead. I will discover what He wants me to do next. Trust that life is not over at 50. Trust and put to the wondering to rest. Concentrate in living my life now.

I think it is about attitude. Dr Meeker says, "love the life you are supposed to be living and you happen on fulfilling the deep meaning of your life. It works. The energy comes, you get bolder, and you live less fearfully."

The deep meaning of my life is not a hidden treasure in the future, it is the here and now.